Cafe: Render Coffee
Location: Devonshire Street, Boston, MA

Coffee: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Food: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Atmosphere: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Service: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Overall: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Overall Rating: 5 out of 5 stars 

Located just a few steps away from my morning subway stop, I initially believed Render Coffee would be nothing more than a cafe of convenience for me - a fair-weather friend I’d visit from time to time when I desired a little treat before work. Relationships are complicated, however, and before I knew it Render Coffee became one of the most important aspects of my life.

From the moment I entered Render Coffee, I knew it wasn’t like other cafes. There was a vibe that the coffee was almost secondary, as the decor projected more like artist studio than a cafe. Waiting in line that first time, my soulless post-train ride/pre-caffeine gaze eventually landed on several 3D printers lining the back wall. Upon ordering a large black coffee, I asked the barista, “Is there a sign-up sheet or something for those 3D printers?” The barista launched into a lengthy explanation that I couldn’t really follow, but it sounded like a no.

Now, let’s talk about the coffee. It is strong - very strong,  and having built up a pretty serious tolerance to caffeine over the years, I really appreciate a flavorful, strong cup of coffee. However, an interesting aspect to ordering drinks at Render Coffee is that they don’t put the top of the cup on for you. There is a stack of cup tops you put on your cup yourself. This has proven to be mortifyingly difficult for me, with the barista having to help me out a couple of times. I have seen no other customer struggle as much as I have. 

As far as food is concerned, Render offers a variety of muffins, pastries and croissants. I personally opted for the blueberry muffin, and I must say, it was the best muffin I’ve ever had in my life. I can’t recommend this muffin enough… order this muffin.

Photos from Render’s Facebook

Had I stuck to just ordering coffees and muffins, I could end the review right now and say that Render Coffee is a great little cafe, and you should definitely check it out if you are in the area - bonus points if you have a thing for ogling 3D printers you will never get to use. However, I did not just stick to the coffee. After few months of being a customer, I took things to the next level and graduated to… cold brew. This is where the real story begins.

Now, I am no caffeine prude. I understand that cold brew is much stronger than normal coffee, and I am usually able to handle cold brew without issue, but Render Coffee’s cold brew just blasted me into the stratosphere. I have never done hard drugs, but I can confidently assert that it is more powerful than cocaine. 

The first time I tried Render Coffee’s cold brew, I was at work, quietly typing and listening to music on my headphones. Seemingly out of nowhere, and maybe only halfway through the drink, I suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to burst into laughter, and not joyful laughter either… evil laughter… ugly, visceral laughter. The urge was so strong that I had to make a real effort to contain it. Strangest of all, the music I was listening to seemed to be the trigger. If there was a particular moment in a song I enjoyed, it would summon a swell of maniacal giggles I’d have to suppress, causing an involuntary, unsettling smirk to form across my face.

“What’s happening to me?” I asked myself. “What have I become?”

While a normal person who experienced this would never order a cold brew again, I am not a normal person, and ordering these drinks became part of my weekly routine. Oh, the wonderful work I was able to complete in record time. With cold brew coursing through my veins, and cranked up speed metal coursing through my headphones, I would absolutely brutalize my keyboard. Aggressive click-clacks echoed about the office as I suppressed demon cackles, tried to rationalize why everything around me appeared to be moving so slow, and ground my teeth into oblivion. I was a full-blown cold brew junkie, and Render Coffee had become my dealer. Multiple times a week I’d enter the establishment for my fix. Attempting to hide the obvious monkey on my back, I’d act as though I was new to the cafe, fumbling with coffee lids and asking different baristas, “Is there a sign-up sheet or something for those 3D printers?” 

I began to tell others of my secret, of this magic elixir available to any sad sack with five dollars in their pocket and nothing to lose. Though to my surprise, NOBODY ELSE reacted the same way I did to Render Coffee’s cold brew. To them, it was just a normal drink. Was I experiencing the placebo effect? Was I allergic to the cold brew? Was I just an insane person? 

“What’s happening to me?” I asked myself.

“What have I become?”

I’d like to say that I eventually hit rock bottom and turned my life around, maybe even starting a support group for other cold brew addicts, but what actually happened is probably the bleakest outcome of all… over time, I simply got used to it. I gained a tolerance to the cold brew and eventually just lost interest. At one point, in a misguided effort to rekindle the magic, I tried something off the menu called a “Malted Cold Brew.” Consisting of a whole lot of milk and a splash of cold brew, I would not recommend this drink. It tasted… ghoulish. And by that I mean it tasted like someone blended a literal ghoul and served it as a drink. Needless to say, it did not restart the cold brew engine for me. 

I still stop by Render Coffee every so often, usually ordering a black coffee. A few months ago, during a quiet moment, I relayed to one of the regular baristas my experience with the cold brew. 

“Has anyone ever talked to you about how strong the cold brew is?”  I asked. “It’s like drugs… and I mean that as a compliment.” 

The barista said no and laughed for a long time. I left Render Coffee feeling pretty funny.